Asrai Devin- the Maven of Mischief

Putting the fun back in dysfunctional.

Things I’m obsessed with: Positive Parenting

We have two children. Our daughter is ten, I’ll spare you a lot of details, because I don’t want to broadcast her life on the internet, telling things that not even she knows.

She’s a naturally passive child. She’s quiet and she likes to please us with her behavior. And she is hard on herself, negating the need for us to be hard on her a lot of the time. (There are cons to that trait as well. It takes a long time to be perfect).

Our son is 2. He is loud, he is boisterous and he is rough. He doesn’t stop. He’s funny. He throws tantrums and kicks and hits and screams. he is challenging and high needs, which I think most two year olds are.

anyway, early on I would get very frustrated with him. he would throw tantrums and I didn’t know what to do. My mom said “ignore the tantrums” but it was really hard to just walk away. I would try to cuddle him but i found myself getting frustrated and losing my cool. Yelling, a slap on the butt happened more than once.

I really didn’t like MY behavior in response to him being a toddler.

I don’t really know the exact chain that lead me to http://www.positive-parents.org/ which after a couple months led me to http://www.ahaparenting.com/ which is a website written by a Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and parent.

Advice like: time outs don’t help to do much besides make your child feel bad and ignoring our natural empathy for our children. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts

And that you don’t have to ignore tantrums. In fact, ignoring them doesn’t teach children to regulate their emotions or help calm themselves. Tantrums are an overflow of emotion, we all have them, cry fit or need to rant and rave are ways that adults throw tantrums (at the worst end of the spectrum we have people with assault or murder charges because they never learned self-control). Children need a parent to help calm them and then they can learn to calm themselves. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts

That punishment and consequences are not necessary to teach a child to behave. I have had several arguments about this one. A good parent-child connection is the basis for everything on the site. And then you set a limit. When the child is younger, you just end the behavior. Hitting means we go home, or have a time in. (Dr. Markham explains it better in the link than I’m doing in summary). As the child grows, he can help solve the problem with you. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Consequences_Punishment

So I am totally crazy about the idea.

What do you think?

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5 responses to “Things I’m obsessed with: Positive Parenting

  1. katmicari November 14, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    I am very into attachment and positive parenting as much as i possibly can! And then backing off whenever possible so as to avoid helicopter parenting. It is always a work in progress. I only have an 19 month old at this point, but already my husband and I try to help each other to parent from our hearts and to be as understanding of our son’s behavior as possible. And he is an amazing little guy for all the work we’ve done. His tantrums are only out of frustration, and already talking through what he must be feeling works to minimize. “Yes, I know it’s difficult when things don’t go your way, but we have to go do this now because of this” or “that tower fell over? time to rebuild it!”

    As someone who is rather like your daughter, I approach motherhood in an attempt to be the best I can be, but I have learned as an adult to be forgiving of my failures as well. I think parenting styles for each child has to be tailored. And it sounds like you’re doing a great job!

    • asraidevin November 15, 2012 at 12:00 am

      Thank you. It’s hard to remember that you are doing a good job and the best you can in the moment (especially in a moment where there is a meltdown in progress).
      Sounds like you are doing an amazing job yourself. :)

  2. Pingback: How to Grow your Children? « vinodkumaracharya

  3. Pingback: “Time-out”, does it really work? :The Psych Life

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