Coming Out
I was reading my copy of The Survivor’s Guide to Sex last night. I was reading Chapter 3 on Dissociation, and there were lots of quotes from other survivor’s on how they were abused. It hurt, like a punch in the gut.
I felt angry and sad at once for every person who has had sexual contact forced upon their body. For everyone who stayed silent about abuse because of fear.
I’ve read that silence is the biggest issue facing the ending of abuse.
I no longer want to stay silent. I want to expose myself in every facet of my life as a survivor. So, this is an examination of the reasons I stay quiet.
I don’t becuase I fear backlash due to having no memories of it. False memories got a lot of press a while ago. But, I’m not accusing anyone of abuse me. I just DON’t REmember.
I still face unreality in myself. I sometimes don’t really believe all this myself. The abuse, the collective exisistence. I still tell myself it’s all in my head.
It all boils down to lack of self-trust. This needs to heal.
I once read “Real or not, this is my experience.” And, that is all I have right now. I don’t have an attribution for that, but it’s very true right now. This is my REAL experience. For me, this is reality: body memories of abuse, a “collective” of people who reside inside me. It’s the best I’ve got right now.
First questions
Why heal sexually? Why now?
I deserve to heal. I want to be free of the draining fear of facing the abuse and left over emotions. I’ve even put off answering these questions. I also hope to recall what happened or to accept that I will never know.
How will life be different and satisifying? How will you know you’ve healed?
“After” healing I’ll be present in my body more in everyday life as well as during sex. TO feel my emotions more fully, especcially sexual ones. I’ll be able to watch porn without becoming uncomfortable. My erotic writing will become more realized. I won’t feel guilty about masterbation. Mainly, I won’t be afraid of the responses coming from my own body.
What’s safety? How are safety and comfort different? Have you experienced feeling safe yet discomfort?
Safety is getting rid of the pit in my stomach. Safety is unconditional love for myself. I imagine I’m safe like this: I am held in the arms of a strong caring person (most often male, but not always). He is large in stature. I can count on him to defend me from any physical or emotional threat.
Currently, I always feel like I’m on the edge of a threat, that I’m in danger. Or rather, like I’m waiting for something bad to happen and I need to be ready.
If safety is being held and defended, comfrt is sinking into bed after a long day; being wrapped in a warm blanket or the body in a good stretch. Comfort exsists in the body, not from the emotions or the heart.
What sensations and feelings are in your body that give you a sense of safety, settledness and resourcefulness?
A sense of calm in my heart and stomach. A connection to the Divine, the Goddess, Infinite Love. The joy that comes when you know you are loved. It feels lighter and calm inside. (As I’m trying to expand that feeling from my heart my anxiety fights back. The anxiety tells me it’s not safe for me feel calm. That bad things will happen if I feel calm.)
What support do you have to assist in sexual healing?
Self-care: morning pages, this blog, my personal blog, other journalling, email, online friends, my signfigant other, my daughter, Hay House Radio, the teaching of Hendricks’, Collete Baron-Reid, Wayne Dyer, Lousie Hay, SummerMcStravick/flowdreaming, FlyLady. I can be terrible at eating, bathing, and exercising when I’m feeling badly. Someone to keep me accountable for it would be good. My Control Journal is helpful for keeping on track of household chores and self-care.
What do you need to support your sexual healing? What actions could you take? Imagine having all you could dream of.
I have someone mutually supportive, someone on their own healing journey. We keep each other accountable for daily self-care as well as moving forward with this book and sexual healing in general. It could just be one person or it could be a group of people on their own journeys. Off-line would be good, but online is good too. A therapist I see occasionally would be helpful. Someone to check in on me. Someone who is okay with multiples, with me not recalling the abuse. Someone I feel could be empathic and listen to me without telling me, my thoughts and feeling without telling me my thoughts and feeling are wrong or bad. Accepting.
Just surrounding myself with people who are accepting, supportive and challenging of other people.
I want to be able to talk to my partner frankly about all this. For him to just listen, I want to able to share each step with him, so he knows where I am. I want to this without fear of rejection, judgment or pressure for sex from him. Acceptance.
What is healty and not healty about consensual sex?
Healthy: bisexuality, polyamory masturbation, use of vibrators and dildoes, bondage, s/m that doesn’t permenatly damage, humilation play, cross dressing.
Unhealthy: I don’t know what fantasy is healthy. I feel like all of it is wrong. Porn, anal, fisting, unsafe sex, fetish. Me enjoying sex and masterbation seems outside the realm of normal. Females chasing and enjoying sex. I know these things should be healthy but I can’t make that jump.
