Learning to Say Yes

Last Tuesday my partner had all his top teeth removed and got dentures put in.

Big ouchie. So, there was no sex in the house. For four days I didn’t even really care.

Then my libido crept in. Sunday I succumbed and masturbated. I think Saturday I tried in the morning but was interrupted by little feet waking far too early. Anyway, yesterday, Monday, I was in NEED of sex. I rarely get like that, but a week was too long for my poor little libido.

It was a learning experience. I wish I could go do it longer. Just have sex when I feel like it. But, being in a monogomous relationship I often get sexual even if I’m not really in the mood. ‘Cause, if he ain’t getting it from he’ll find someone else. (Not that I’m closed to an open relationship but that’s another story all together).

The United States of Tara will focus on a woman who has “multiple personality disorder” or, rather, it’s called “dissociative identity disorder“.

It could be okay. It could be a horrible cliche.

If it’s good, and that’s a big IF here, it could be a learning point for those who are ignorant about multiples.  It could throw people into looking into the whole more.

Or it could be terrible, horribly cliche, and not handle any of the real “issues” of muliples at all.

It remains to be seen.

I was listening to Mojo Mom podcast archives yesterday. It was a show about Internet Safety. The guest, Linda Criddle, mentioned that men will prey on insecure women and that got me thinking about myself. And I realized: I have been prey.

Most recently was only a few years ago. Things were rough at home. I met someone who UNDERSTOOD me. He sympathized. He told me about his struggles. He had once been involved with someone who was multiple. He never made any romantic overtures. And then he asked for _very_ revealing pictures. I might have if I hadn’t been in hatred of my body right then, and not willing to share my most private parts. I stopped messaging him so I wouldn’t have to say no, and he stopped messaging me so he wouldn’t have to hear no.

I want to justify this by saying I don’t think he even knows he’s preying. But I think that’s just me not wanting to rock the boat. In case he finds this.

It wasn’t the first time. Online, we are free to say things we wouldn’t say otherwise. Often, we (people in general and asrais in particular) wear our vulnerabilities on our sleeves. If we can’t see you, the rejection doesn’t hurt so much. Or else, the person on the other end is as damaged as we are and can sympathize. But, predators they zero in on these vulnerabilities, they UNDERSTAND what you are going through. They pat your hand and tell you deserve better. And then they sneak in requests for revealing photoes, or phone sex or whatever.

I’ve had guys tell me that I love them. And then, because of course, they know me better than I know me, I say “why yes, I do love you.” Or I talk myself into loving them. Or, whatever version this predator uses.

That’s scary for me. I didn’t have the money, but had I have I might have visited some of these guys. I might have done very stupid things for these guys.

That was a big awareness reality check for me. Predators don’t only prey on teen girls. They go after of age girls who are on their own, hungry for love and can travel without mommy and daddy’s permission.

This realization will be welcome information once my daughter is of age to instant message, have a facebook account and whatever else is going on in 8 years time.

For more on internet safety go to: Linda Criddle’s website Look Both Ways

I fiinished my first round of pratical work experience a few weeks ago. And I just got my final mark today. 82/100. Really good right?

All I can think about is the marks I lost and how I should have done better. There’s two voices in the back of my mind warring with each other.

Voice 1 says: YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER. See all this stuff you screwed up on.

Voice 2 says: You did really well. Sure you could have done better, but it all tied together to a great result, be happy with that.

I’m frustrated and tired, and I need to get to sleep before 12:30 AM and get back to normal. *sigh*

Sexual power or what I wish someone had told me about sex …

The power to feel sexual, but not Be sexual. The power to BE sexual with our self. To let our fantasies turn us on without shame, to touch our bodies for the sheer pleasure of it and not feel guilty afterward.

To express to another our desire, to share pleasure with them. To respect their desire, respect to share their desire or keep it to them self.

If two people with ability to consent, do consent to share sex, to do so in the safest manner, so as to prevent disease and pregnancy. For partners to know, if it comes up, what they should an unplanned pregnancy occur. (One of my favorite sexual decisions was a woman who decided to have sex only with men she felt comfortable raising a child with.)

The power to able to ask what you want from sex, and from a sexual partner. The power to say no, at any time and be respected. To be okay if your partner refuses sex. The power to try something different, even if it doesn’t bring you closer to orgasm.

The power to not be shamed by people who are afraid to feel sexual for fear it will take over everything.

And the power to NOT confuse LOVE and SEX.

You cannot sell sex for love. You can sell it for money. But, if you try to take instead of accepting, you’ll never truly have a partner.

Last Thursday in the early morning I woke up in what felt like mid-thought. I realized later it was someone else’s thoughts or a conversation I stumbled upon inside. On the way to drop the Kid off at school, I felt panicked and weepy. Not _I_ precisely, but the emotion lingered in the body.

It returned later that night when sex came about. I yelled at those who were panicking to leave the front space if they had a problem with it. They didn’t and became more triggered by the situation, making sex not so much fun.

Friday was much the same. With an afternoon of feeling panicked. It was strange, feeling so panicked on the inside, yet not reacting on the outside. That’s somewhat of my job.

I ended Friday at work, feeling frustrated with my situation. No one will/can tell what is causing these feelings. I feel like this near-mannequiin fronter who is supposed to have no feelings, no reactions, no knowledge. I am to only exist for the good of the collective, to be the face of the whole.

I’m confused. After 8 or 9 years of living like this. I’ve not scratched the surface of what it means to be multiple.

I started a craft/book blog. Yes, because I don’t have enough blogs. But, I feel like I need to divide myself up. I do this in my life a lot. I have an offline persona, a mom persona, an mulitple persona, a sexual personal and never shall any of them cross.

I don’t tell people I’m multiple except online in small doses. I don’t tell people I write smut (even you guys out there).  These things are all carefully organized and seperated for survival purposes.

Anyway, the link to my craft blog is here.

One of our favorite blogs (that’s not on the blog roll. asrai needs to update that), Crunchy Chicken is having a buy nothing (new) in April Challenge.

• No new clothes
• No new gadgets
• No new furniture or housewares
• No salon services
• No makeup
• No tools
• No whatever the hell else people buy

So since we don’t buy any of those things, we’re in. In fact we buy almost nothing except books and I try to not even buy those. Bookmooch anyone?

But, one caveat for us. We have to buy a new cell phone this month. I’ve dropped the Nokia (virgin prepaid) a few too many times and the last time it went flying and the top came off. I managed to get it back on and it still rings (oddly) but after you click the answer button (nothing shows on the screen) no one sound goes anywhere. So … new phone. I just put $25 on too. Otherwise I likely wouldn’t bother. Or, prolly our SO would make us becuase we have a 30 minute drive to and from work and he worries about us on the road.

I can’t write. I have terrible writer’s block brought on by shame. When I write my fantasies out, I get turned on. And then I don’t know how to deal with this. Ideally, I just like to get off and get rid of that horny feeling. But, after I get off I don’t feel like writing sex anymore and thus it’s not terribly productive way to write.

So I’m stuck. Or letting myself stay stuck. Part of it is, I’m afraid to finish my novel. It started as a NaNoWriMo project.  And I loved it. I’m not so sure lately as I’m feeling anti-romance lately, but that’s another tangent altogether.  So anyway, I’m about five to seven  planned scenes from finishing the whole thing. Then I have to edit. I’m afraid to edit. I need someone to motivate me and encourage me and not let me get away with this resistence crap.

I’m also working on a corruption story in the back of my mind. Girl gets corrupted and thus ends up corrupted another.

I’m just meandering aimlessly right now. So I’ll leave with a link.

Radical Vixen’s blog where I recently won a prize. She’s a pretty cool sex worker with a few political rants thrown in.

I’ve been working 2 jobs for the past 5 weeks so I barely get to check my email these past few weeks, thus no blog posts. But I miss it. And coming up, Urban Tantra. Exercies, thoughts and sex. Because it’s spring and I can’t get enough ecstacy.

So alright, stuck energy. 10 year old stuck energy.

For the last year I’ve had a mad crush on this guy at my work. (sorta, he works in the building I clean and comes in often.). The obsessive nature of it was becoming increasingly disturbing and I couldn’t figure out why. I have crushes, they usually fade quickly after a few fantasies of against the wall sex. Anyway …

I couldn’t understand the nature of this one. But, it hit me. He reminds me of the guy I was stalking 10 years ago.  Like exactly 10 years ago! I thought he was the most divine creature to grace this earth. Of course, I was a loser and stalking him so he wouldn’t give me the time of day.

I don’t know how to work that energy out of my system ’cause it’s fucking with more than my mental faculties to operate normally around people. But at least I know where the problem is.