Defensiveness

I am a very defensive person. If I even perceive attack I immediately go into defense mode.

It was caused by growing up with two rather angry parents.

But, that’s in the past. Whatever caused it, I have to take control and overcome it.

A few days ago I was talking with my boss, and I felt she was going to criticize me so I immediately justified my actions. And she immediately said, “I’m not criticizing, I just want you to be aware this is going on. And I need you to back me up on it.”

I still felt at ready for the attack. And for hours, no days now, after I’m still alternately justifying myself and feeling like I let her down. Neither of which are necessary. When I get up in it I repeat to myself, “I can let this go.”

I was trying to write yesterday and I couldn’t. (It turned out later it was because I had lost interest in the story). So I was just free writing in an open notepad file, and the defensiveness realization came out.

I am not sure how to overcome it quite yet. My life is as always a work in progress.

What types of traits are you holding on to from childhood? Is it hindering your life in anyway? Are you going to try to change?

Second Chance Romance, read my erotic short stories.

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Abortion

I clicked on a link on the wordpress homepage to an interview with a woman who had a late-term abortion from the recently murdered Dr. Tiller.

And then I accidentally close all my windows and lose the article. So I search it and find newsbusters.org who don’t even deserve a link.

I’m not sure if I’m stupider than all the Fetus People (not my word, I stole that from mahblog) commenting. Why? Because I”m reading all their comments and shaking my head.

It all comes down to the arguement that women suddenly decide that at 8 months pregnant, they don’t want the baby.Yeah right.  It’s a BABY.

From the above link:

I’m explaining this because remarkable numbers of people don’t seem to understand why defending a right to elective abortion in the third trimester is insane. No woman in her right mind willingly carries a pregnancy that far and then decides to abort. Doctors won’t perform such abortions, anyway. Even Roe v. Wade permits states to ban third-trimester elective abortions.

Some, many I suspect, of these women are having abortions because of medical issues either in themselves or their unborn babies.  Maybe these babies would live outside the uterus. No one really knows. These woman want to spare themselves and their baby any unnecessary pain. There’s a nice account of a woman here as well.

IF there is a chance for viability of the baby, y’know past that magic 24 weeks, and the mother’s health is at risk, they’ll try their damnedest to save the baby. My best friend had her baby 3 months early, he’s now healthy and at home.  Thank the Universe.  These women forced to choose are not so lucky.

The pro-life camp paints these women as uncaring, lazy people who just don’t feel like dealing with their pregnancy.

Again from this link:

However, I believed back in the 1970s that NARAL made a big mistake by not supporting some clear legal gestational limits for elective abortion based on the Roe v. Wade guidelines. Without such clear limits, the Fetus People have been able to market many urban legends about women in their ninth month of pregnancy suddenly deciding to “kill their babies” and terminate a healthy pregnancy. Most states eventually adopted gestational limits, but people are so confused about what’s legal and what isn’t that the urban legends seem credible.

And their doctors as for-profit, blood hungry evilness personified who just want to rip the life out of the women. I find it hard to believe that picture.

Having never been in the position to have to make such a decision, I cannot imagine the thought that has to go into deciding to have an abortion.

I thought about it once upon a time. I barely new the father, but 7 years later, here we are,a bout to get married.

I am one lucky bitch. My pregnancy was a breeze and my fiance is a dream.

And then we decided NOT to have any more children. Thankfully birth control has worked for me and I’ve not had to decide any more tough decisions.

I would love a world were all birth control worked and was available and women weren’t raped by men. Where all women were in happy relationships and then decided to become pregnant and have happy, healthy babies all the time.

I don’t live in that reality.

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Image by hessiebell via Flickr

I’ve been thinking this morning (I know thinking. In the morning?! On a day off work) about how much to put on-line about myself.

There are things about myself that I would like to express somewhere, but for many reasons I fear there could be reprecussions.

I know people who put everything out there. And I know people who hide themselves like they are in a witness protection program. Most people are in between.

Facebook is the worst culprit when it comes to privacy invasion, I think. But you can change your settings so only your friends can see. But, then you have to carefully keep track of your friends. But it’s easy to say too much anywhere and be found out and get into a lot of trouble.

I want to be one of those people who is like “to hell with what anyone else thinks” but I’m not. I like my job.  I don’t want my mother to be able to find out my secrets. Had that happen once when I was a neophyte Livejournal user. Oh so long ago.

So, how much personal infromation do you put out on your blog, twitter or facebook?

Read My Novel:

Second Chance Romance, read my erotic short stories.

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Creating Balance

I am beginning to feel a little compulsive about novelling. Plotting always being my priority. I was-am feeling unbalanced.

There are other things in life than writing. I cannot seem to remember them. Housework and most of life in general seem to fall by the wayside.

My priorities are: family > work > writing > Twilight > everything else.

Family includes meals, minimal housework that keeps life running, driving my daughter to her activities (preferably with a laptop so I can write and drive), and presently, planning our wedding.  I look forward to being Mrs. somebody, the planning is irritating.

Work means sleep and minimal personal hygiene and a little housework stuff. As well as my duties to my local Freecycle.

Writing, right now, is mainly ACTUAL writing. But, some blogging, social media and other forms of self-promotion.

Twilight, well … I already wrote about that little obessesion. It’s a fun book to read, movie to watch and the soundtrack is nice.

Thanks to Wii Fit and my job I’m getting a little sunshine and aerobics and lots of stretching (via Wii Yoga) into my day. Stretching is important to keep myself painfree. I have joint pain since I was sixteen for unknown medical reasons.

I am not sure what to change. Writing fills the cup of my soul up. I need it to fill my soul so I have energy to do the rest. Perhaps I just need to slow down with it. Keep writing on paper more often, journal more often. Change up the routine. Start reading fiction to have more than one character set in my head at a time. Usually I have several projects on the go. Narrow focus is making me a little crazy.

Getting rid of access to solataire would be good too.

What are your ways to keep your life balanced?

Read My Novel:

Second Chance Romance, read my erotic short stories.

Happy dance!

Lots of good stuff today. In order of my excitedness.

First, I finished Ky and Serena last night. The first draft. It’s around 40,000 words. It will probably end up around 50 in the edit. I usually have more stuff to add than delete. Not quite as many words as planned, but that’s how it goes.

Second, Hayden at Through the Illusion has included me in her carnival of awesome this week. Definitely in good company here with the others included including, Dani of positively present, and Ivan McKeithen. And of course, Hayden herself.

I loved defining myself the way I did for Through the Illusion. It really helped me to clarify my passion and why I love writing so much.

Ahhh squee.(I took a break to check email, email public bookshelf about and to twitter a bit and I can’t get a handle on my thoughts. I’m so excited).

Third, I am going to insure my new to me car. A 2001 Kia. My intrepid is finally dead as we are not putting more money into it. It’s got nearly 300,000 KM. Too many, too many things going wrong. The downside is I have to remember HOW to drive a standard transmission again. Out of a driveway.

Have a great day. Mine is all ready off to a great start!

Read My Novel:

Second Chance Romance, read my erotic short stories.

I’ve had word that my link to public bookshelf appeared to be dead. It is working for me in Firefox and IE, but once you get to the novel you cannot click “begin reading” to start. You have to go to the sidebar and choose a chapter. I’ve emailed them about this problem, but am waiting to hear back. If there’s a problem drop me a comment or email asrairdATgmail.com or asraidevinATshaw.ca

Of Obsession

I will try not to write too many posts about Twilight, but it’s incredibly addicting.

I have slipped into obsession. I am in love.  I am jealous. I cannot wait to write something that I love this much. Characters who capture the imagination. Characters whom I fall in love with. Who stick. Who come alive.

Part of it is the emotions in the book/movie resonate. First, love, first loss, wanting to be together forever. Those dangerous kisses where you thought you might- you wanted to- lose control. How your first love looks divine while you feel so ordinary. The flattery, the joy, the ups and downs.

There is also the dichotomy of the “monsters”, the vampires who have a conscience, who only eat animals. They are tormented by living forever, by resisting their nature and by turning others into what they are. They have “powers”. They want to protect humans. The 100 + year old Vampire who has never been in love but falls for an ordinary girl, like he’s been waiting for her.

There is so much emotion regarding the emotions of humanity and relationships. What we have experienced if we are older/lucky. If we are too young, the emotion is what we long to have happen to us. The perfect first love.

All that heart-felt confession. It is even better for Bella because Edward has had 100 years to be self-aware. Unlike the average teenage male who is governed by his senses and hormones and what ever seems fun. It seems about write 17 female years to 100 male ones. haha.

There are some odd, disturbing parts to the book. Edward might LOOK 17, but he’s 100 or something. And I keep having the mind flashes of okay why is THAT Okay when if he actually looked older than Bella (like y’know significantly older) it would be REALLY fucking creepy. Charlie (Bella’s dad) is complacent to everything Bella does. Everyone is really. It’s not the best writing in the world.

But, if you can suspend your belief for a few hours, it’s enjoyable and fun read or watch. Despite being … 6 or 7 years my junior, Robert Pattinson is pretty hot. There may be a story sparked from that little … admiration. *grin*

Someone asked me if I recommend the book or movie. I recommend both. Read the book first, it’s much more in depth (and then when you are done, check out Midnight Sun) than the movie. The movie is fun if you enjoy adolescent fantasy. I don’t really like it as an adaptation of the book, but as a movie it’s good.

Read My Novel:
Second Chance Romance, read my erotic short stories.

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Accountability

Image by shutterpillar via Flickr

I’m writing my second novel with two lovely characters stemming from my first novel. And I’m struggling. I’m not madly in love with the characters.

I’m not in love with them because I’m reading the Twilight series. And despite how much the writing drives me crazy and I think is wrong with the whole I-love-you-forever-but-I-am-only-seventeen thing, I LOVE Edward and the books. I LOVE THEM. I can’t help it. It’s embarrassing. (But I was that awkward teenage girl who no boy wanted and I wanted to have someone like Edward come in and LOVE me like that.)

And it’s keeping me from falling in love with Kyle. And I’m struggling with writing this one. It was the one I planned to write before Kip and Mandy, but Kip came in and stole the show.

It’s beginning to seem like I’ll never finish this book. So I need accountability. I am going to finish this book by the end of May. I am over 20,000 words into it. I have the next two scenes planned out. Or I did (my friend just showed up with her copy of the third book, Eclipse … must resist Edward).

So, you are all holding me accountable on this novel. It’s kinda of a NaNoWriMo thing, where there aren’t punishments for not finishing, but rewards for doing so. So 2,000 words a day for the next few weeks should do it.

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Call to Action

I signed up for Darren Rowse’s problogger, 31 days to a better blog. Which was a mistake because I don’t have time or energy to blog everyday.  And I don’t check my email everyday either. Day 24 or so was Call to Action. Which for me would be linking to my book and asking for comments.

I fail.

I feel silly when I do it. I also have the typical ‘don’t be too self-promoting’. I also have the conundrum of not really wanting to be noticed. I’m not sure I’m writing anything of actual worth to anyone other than myself. And I feel a bit intrusive when I do it.

I have the view that I should have a question in the blog post in order to ask for others to comment.

What it comes down to is I lack blogging confidence. And I’m a perfectionist.

I have to get over these things. If I’m going to be a writer and make any money off things, I have to market myself. I have to know my abilities are SOLID and let people know how much I rock.

Because I do. I rock.  I just have to start telling people. If you have any advice I’d be glad to here it. I have some plans forming in my mind. You’ll probably be seeing them shortly.

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Ever changing mission

Hayden at Through the Illusion had a call out for passionate people.  I think the form is closed, but it’s an awesome blog that I’ve been following for a long time and is worth a look around.

I was asked to define why romance writing makes me so passionate, and how it relates to my purpose. I won’t ruin the entire thing right now. It took me a long to write what I did and I think it needs some editing still, but that’s neither here nor there.

But I came to define things as Writing makes me Come Alive.

Words make me happy. Stringing them together make my heart sing.

I write a number of things: blogs, random rants, journal entries, erotica, and always romance. I’ve written romance since I was a kid.

Relationships are at the heart of humanity. Without relationships we don’t have jobs or family or friends. Almost all of us are looking for someone to share our lives with and possibly put a small drop of the next generation out there.

What is sad is that we don’t have the skills to deal with that person once we’ve met them. We don’t know how to deal with jealousy and conflict and what we should do when we are attracted to someone other than our partner.

I think that’s what romance novels are about. Dealing with the conflict, merely early in the relationship, that comes with coming into a close relationship with another person. The characters are somewhat damaged and afraid of said relationship. And then they are forced into a corner and they have to decide whether they can get past their damage or if they will succumb. And since we want to read a happy novel, of course they get over things and get together.

I got an email from someone on Tribe.net who considered erotica suprerrior to romance because there is no bullshit. Disagree. They are equal if well done. Erotica doesn’t work if there is no plot, no characters, no conflict either.  To me, romance has a physical part of it as well. Sex is a naturual

The first simple step

I’ve been lamenting on my lack of household cleanliness when I made a trip to the public library and I got a (Frigidaire sponsored) cleaning book. I was reading it and it had tons of great ideas.

I got a little overwhelmed by it all. How would I have time to keep it all together.

I’ve tried all manners of cleaning plans. Even flylady overwhelmed me.

I’m always trying to do too much. Even when I’m trying to simplify.

My goal for the rest of the month is to keep the desk clean. All mail and to be done paper work goes in the bin and I’ll do it at the end of the day. I have to commit to that one. I have to follow through.

But, that’s the only thing I’m going to be working on. If I don’t get dishes done or anything else around the house: I cannot beat myself up. The only thing I have to get done is the inbox gone through and the desk cleaned off. Right now it has some stuff on it. I have bills to pay and books to put away.

So that’s my first step to simplicity.

Don’t start too many projects at once.

One thing at a time.

So, choose your own thing. Commit to it. Add on from there.